Sunday, March 24, 2024

So you can take it less seriously

 


Do I judge you, of course 

But also, I understand

I did it too 


Now that we're clear 

I'm moving on 

Watching the dogs wade into cold creek water

Eddies around their brown and black legs 


Digging up liriope 

Planting heuchera and sedges 

He rakes leaves and small branches 

I take off my hat, unzip my vest 

The dogs run together 

That wildlife sign a reminder of friendship 




And what of yesterday? 

I cleaned the bathrooms 

Got a green smoothie and took the puppy for a walk in Lowe's 

It was raining 

Bought some toilet paper 

Sanitized the tub 

Vacuumed the upstairs carpets 

Turned myself into a gray rock 

Turned myself back into a person 

Drove to the doughnut shop 

Waxed poetic about ceramic mugs 

Laid on my side in the fetal position, gripping my ginger tea 



And what of tomorrow? 

Whatever happens, I'll prioritize feeling 


Sunday, March 17, 2024

Little kindnesses every day



The sharp elderly woman in the grocery store aisle who joked with me about how we both hold our pee too long

The smiling man holding the door for me as I wheeled my cart out of the seed store 

The boy who told me wistfully, over and over again as he followed his mom into the creek, that my dogs are so cute 



nothing comes to mind

 


Perhaps I am not often vulnerable 

Perhaps I get that, to a certain extent, from and perhaps to a certain extent I had that forced upon me by her 

Fancying myself a coach, I ceased to practice 


I remember driving past the cemetery, shocked by the abjectness of getting a tattoo 


Memories—those sometimes awful things

also help tether me here 


Also, saying it out loud 


I've never floated less



In the woods by the water she plunged her face in 


Yes the incapacity is devastating, and still

We are raising a creature, together

See how magical 




Sunday, March 10, 2024

pine comes

 

I'm not concerned that I felt it, at least 

That's not my primary concern 


I am alarmed by how quickly it's gone 


Like a leaf boat released into the sloshing gutter 

I wish you well 



Now it's morning and you are inside of me 

Just you, just me 


I never thought I could enjoy weekends like this 


After the poetry workshop I water all the plants 

We tromp the dogs through a field in snow squall 


Later we'll drag the big bed to the curb

You'll eat a turkey sub while standing in the garage 



Sunday, March 3, 2024

preview forthcoming

 

If I cannot talk to him I can talk with myself 

Aren't I just as worthy of it? 

The pink flamingo shirt wedges between the dresser and the wall 

The squirrels are flying 



Flashes of that intersection 

On the way to the hospital 

So much horror and no one to share it with 


Of course I'm skirting the issue 

Honestly, I feel relieved 


The mountain painting reflects from the large wooden mirror 

The loons bob on the surface of the lake 



I'm not disappointed but I am a little mad 

The truth has set me free 



Monday, February 12, 2024

the longest train whistle I've ever heard



I'm pleased by the reflection of the fleshy succulent in the brown mug stretching from the windowsill into the sun 



All my feelings are pathologies

 

Without limerence, what's left 

It's been a long day and I need to retreat 

sitting on the big blue chair in the back room upstairs 

silken pajama pants and a loose, long-sleeved shirt 


I'm sick again 

a condition of cognitive obsession

I'm only just starting to come to grips with what it means 

Is all angst merely chemistry? 


Compulsion, obsession, and lack of control 

I feel more clear-headed than I, perhaps, ever have 

This is sad; this was a mistake; that wasn't okay; this is hard; this is perverse; I was struggling so much more than I knew



The thing about masking is it also obscures you from yourself

mirrors offer only a distorted reflection  

Now I see suffering. And also wisdom 



So much of what was presented to me as spirituality was poison 

I was susceptible because I was sick 

All my distortions were subliminal  

What I'm trying to say is 

This may be caused by low levels of serotonin in the brain